The first pregnancy & the birth of that child may be the
most transformative event a couple can experience together. It feels that way
for me as I sit here in the delivery room while my wife busies herself with an article on Channing Tatum in this week’s People magazine.
In preparation for today Alice and I both read some [non-Channing
Tatum featuring] baby books & quizzed our previously procreatin’ pals on
just how to prepare. But those aren’t the only sources of inspiration each of
us had. It's true that Alice looks to her trademark even-keeled demeanor and the escape provided by a poorly-reported movie
review on Magic Mike XXL to steer her
ship to calmer waters. For me, my parenting preparation started with television
& all of its saccharine sitcom-y delights. I thought I’d take a break from binge-watching
the charts on the flat screen above Alice’s bed to reflect on that education.
Television writers during my childhood used everything from
snowstorms to hot air balloon rides to educate us on just how inopportune,
rushed and just plain wacky delivering a baby is going to be. Something outlandish
has to happen. If it doesn't you won't succeed or grab a respectable share of the Nielsen ratings during February Sweeps. There are dozens of hazy story lines blending together in the
part of my brain that television rotted irreversibly. I’m picturing Screech in scrubs. I’m
picturing Steve – make that, Stephan-
Urkel & Laura looking at a pregnancy
test. Unfortunately, I made those events up. Here’s a smattering of what TV really
did teach me on what to expect when delivering a baby:
Full House - Season 5, Episode 24 - 1991
It is Michelle “You got it, duuude!” Tanner’s fifth birthday party & this means all of the adults decide to dress as the Flintstones. Just as Jesse plans to go downstairs to celebrate Becky goes into labor and he immediately contracts appendicitis. Michelle has to cut her birthday short. Hijinks ensues.
Home Improvement - Season 6, Episode 9 – 1996
The Tool Man Delivers. This ridiculous one involves a snow storm and a varsity jacket.. at least I think it does. Tim is to receive an award from the Tri-City HotRod Club. As Tim, Jill, and Heidi drive to the banquet, the car runs out of gas and Heidi goes into labor. Tim & Jill help with the birth at a nearby gas station.
Murphy Brown - Season 4 Episode 26 - 1992
This one was worthy of vice presidential attention. While doing the last show of the season, Murphy starts going into labor. Everyone panics since they're in the middle of a live national broadcast. Hiji---- this is getting tedious. You get the idea now.
Perfect Strangers Season 7 into Season 8 - 1993
Full House - Season 5, Episode 24 - 1991
It is Michelle “You got it, duuude!” Tanner’s fifth birthday party & this means all of the adults decide to dress as the Flintstones. Just as Jesse plans to go downstairs to celebrate Becky goes into labor and he immediately contracts appendicitis. Michelle has to cut her birthday short. Hijinks ensues.
Home Improvement - Season 6, Episode 9 – 1996
The Tool Man Delivers. This ridiculous one involves a snow storm and a varsity jacket.. at least I think it does. Tim is to receive an award from the Tri-City HotRod Club. As Tim, Jill, and Heidi drive to the banquet, the car runs out of gas and Heidi goes into labor. Tim & Jill help with the birth at a nearby gas station.
Murphy Brown - Season 4 Episode 26 - 1992
This one was worthy of vice presidential attention. While doing the last show of the season, Murphy starts going into labor. Everyone panics since they're in the middle of a live national broadcast. Hiji---- this is getting tedious. You get the idea now.
Perfect Strangers Season 7 into Season 8 - 1993
 |
| We're hours away from the Dance of Joy! |
Ding ding ding ding ding! We have a winner for the most gimmicks & forced plot details. Larry & Jennifer and a pre-Mypos-debt-default Balki
& Mary Anne are navigating pregnancy contemporaneously. In the series
finale a very overdue Jennifer will stop at nothing to finally have
her baby...even if it means inducing labor by taking a hot air balloon ride! Contractions
start at 3900 feet in her 39th week. Hijinks, as always, ensues.
This final entry wins for most outlandish plot, stretching the story over a two
parter and for the tandem deliveries. To my knowledge no sitcom has forced more
gimmicks into its pregnancy plot.
Every sitcom writer between 1985 and 1998 seemed determined
to squeeze in a pregnancy story line when their fountain of creativity began to
dry up. And I didn’t even get to the Cosby Show, Friends, Step-by-Step or [insert
UPN sitcom title here].
The above list kind of throws you off when you’re first
experience is an induction. The procedure is scheduled weeks in advance &
doled out over many hours- the latest estimates are for an early morning delivery.
Without the hijinks how will I know our daughter is
ready for prime time? Unless a marching band shows up accidentally or Mount Saint Helens
erupts at that exact moment Alice gives that final push I will start to suspect that
television wasn't the best way to prepare for adulthood.
Did you actually read this far? Thanks for indulging me! I promise future posts will have less words and stay more on the topic at hand.
