Final Thoughts on Our Delivery (Part 2 of 2) - Family

I have had a deep ambivalence about the concept of family ever since I was a kid. I grew up in a family environment that provided a lot for me- from material and logistical needs up to and including many emotional needs. That environment, despite all of the people in it, also had many important emotional elements lacking. 

My childhood family. I wasn't as happy back then.

When I left for college my ambivalence came with me. People told me I was bitter about family and at times my pessimism about that social group made it so wouldn't want children. I felt like I was on my own and I developed an independent streak to adapt. I did what I could to avoid my own family environment- not because I was ungrateful but because I found it to be miserable & emotionally suffocating at a time when I needed so much more. I did find an important social network to replace that loss of family: another family. This first happened with my friend Jen and her family. However, I found even more support elsewhere.

I was fortunate at the end of high school and throughout college to immerse myself in another family environment- that of my best friend and his cousins- and it was wonderful. Holidays were times to have fun & to laugh. Quieter moments together with them could still be so meaningful. 

Thanksgiving 2004 with the Klages & Mariano Families

To be sure, this family is composed of individuals that have their strengths and weaknesses. But what they showed me was something so important: a demonstration of loyalty, openness and love that is just so critical to a family's success. It wasn't until I saw these elements play out with my adopted family that I knew what was lacking in my actual family environment. That lesson has stayed with me to this day.

That experience started me on a path from ambivalence to real excitement about what a family could be. It taught me that when the right principles are introduced- honesty, emotional openness, happiness, respect, loyalty- the family culture has the highest chance of being successful. The unhappiness my parents experienced with each other prevented a lot of those values from taking hold in our home while I was growing up.

I am pleased to say that after leaving home I was able to remain close with the elements of my family that are building these values- my siblings. The relationships I have with them now in my adult life strengthen me as Alice and I build our new family.

My uncle, cousin and some of my siblings in June of 2013

Our youngest brother is also the tallest

I have learned in the last two weeks that having a child can elevate pre-exisiting familial bonds. The best example of that is with my wife's family. While I've felt close with them before the baby showed up the outpouring of love from them in the last week has helped me realize that this concept of family can do so much more. Their support and warm wishes have made me more relaxed and feel so much closer to them- whether it's shown next to me in the living room or sent from Utah or Indiana.

Aunt Ellen & Uncle Jack

Nana Lou and Alice

Even more family!

I am lucky I was given the exposure to all of the family environments I have detailed above. Each one has taught me important things about what Alice and I are about to build. My childhood family taught me through an absence of important traits. The families I have identified with since leaving home have taught me through example & expertise- and that's where my real education began. The tool kit these families have provided, along with the ongoing support of our friends past & present, has given me the ability to be successful as a dad. It's now on me to put that knowledge to good use & to always keep it in sight.

Thank you for reading.

The author in deep thought on how to build a successful family environment

The author role modeling family culture through the Koala Method

Final Thoughts on Our Delivery (Part 2 of 2) - NOT EXACTLY THE POST I WAS PLANNING ON

I had every intention of writing a final post as a compliment to Part 1 but those plans will have to wait a little longer. I am typing this all out with one hand because a sleeping baby occupies the other in these wee morning hours.

The England family is happy and healthy. We had our 1st pediatrician visit today and everything is looking good. Alice is recovering well and we've started taking our daughter for walks. We are grateful for the time we have together & with Alice's family now visiting us.

Even though I can't offer up my usual ranting I did promise pictures and I have a bunch below. I got some great shots of her sleeping today and those are my favorite so far. 

The First Days of Family - 29 photos - album here

Portraits of Daphne - 5 photos - album here

The Beauty of Sleep - 31 photos - album here

Daph Punk - Video (30 seconds) - here

Happy baby!

Final Thoughts on Our Delivery (Part 1 of 2) - Friends

It has been just over three days since our daughter arrived and I am writing this while Alice and she are sleeping in the nursery. The whirlwind we've experienced since Tuesday has been exciting, life-altering and... reassuring.  That last adjective may be surprising and it is the one I want to focus on for this post.

I don't know how often child birth is described as reassuring but that word very much applies to the last five days of our lives. This occurred in many forms but can be summed up in the example shown in Figure 1.

Figure 1: Homo sapiens arminius greets his new housemate

The above photo is merely one example- albeit an important one- of what Alice and I are so excited about. Our families live hundreds of miles away from us and that creates a gap in our lives. There are important ways to close that gap: the strong friendships we've developed far & wide but [most critically in today's example] mainly here in town. Figures 2 through 7 further reiterate this point. To be sure, the below are perfect examples but there are many, many more not represented in these figures. We are lucky to be able to write that.

Figure 2: The Clare Family

Figure 3: The Kumar-Vatsals

Figure 4: Ain't Nuthin But a Piet Thang

Figure 5: Reken & Jessica

Figure 6a: Some of the Kammers

Figure 6b: The other Kammers

Figure 7: Sergiooooooo!

The promise of parenthood has cast new perspectives on all of our friendships but in particular it's illuminated the benefits of the ones here in town. It is those friendships that constantly reassure us. I don't want to break out once again into my It Takes a Village knock off speech but I will tread perilously close. 

It's not that I think it takes a village of trusted friends to raise a kid. It's that if you are lucky enough to live in that village you can really add value & warmth to your parenting experience. My childhood knew of the absence of that. We grew up not knowing our neighbors and not have those extended quality relationships that other families had. 

The transition from that absence to now what can only be described as an over-abundance of warmth from friends here in Portland & elsewhere began to strengthen my resolve to be the best dad I could be long before Wednesday's result. And now that she's here the benefits I continue to collect will increase exponentially. It's in the advice people give us. It's in the time they share. It's in the unspoken but understood commitment to a social group that every friendship inevitably gets defined by as it becomes a reality.

As I jump off my soap box I want to state clearly that the friendships are not an insurance policy against me turning into a deadbeat or detached father. That needs to start in my own head and heart and will be a constant cycle of introspection. Maybe I can best sum up what I'm trying to say with these final sentences.

The overwhelming support we've gotten from our friendships in these last few days has made all the difference. These already proud parents are humbled, grateful and ready to raise our daughter in a warm & enriching world these friends have helped us create. Thanks for reassuring us & building up our confidence to take this on.

I will drop the second & final post on Monday (7/13). There will be pictures.

My dad writes way too much. This post bored me.

Dispatch from Room 26 - One Day Later

Quick summary:

• Everyone is tired, happy and healthy.
• Alice is recovering nicely.
• Daphne is doing really well with feeding. 
• I am four diaper changes wiser than I was yesterday.
• We leave the hospital late tomorrow morning.

I could spend paragraph after paragraph filling in the details of Daphne's first day but nearly all the requests we've gotten are for pictures and not for my insomnia-assisted rants. Besides, readers even with the slightest knowledge of newborns would have helped you guessed what the description consisted of: eating, sleeping and pooping- and that's just my last  24 hours.

For Alice and Daphne they had a similar cycle also includes periodic visits from the nurses & occasional doctor. Each time there is something different measured but the only correlation I can find for when the appointment occurs is that they wait for the most inconvenient moment, such as when Alice finally falls asleep.  My favorite so far (and it's happened twice) is when they knock on the door just to say hello & to ask if Alice needs anything. The funny thing is the only thing she needs at that point is the sleep that was interrupted to answer that question.

Look at how tired everyone is!

Anyway, our audience is just ravenous for pictures. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Despite my lifetime membership to the United Autoworkers & Shutterbugs - Local 88 union I only have a few to share right now. I know. I'm surprised, too. 

Before I get to those one thing I'm already miffed I didn't start was a photographic progression of the baby's head shape and facial profile. Babies come out with such pronounced cranial deformation that periodic documentation of that would have been valuable for its entertainment alone. It would be like watching this cartoon dog's face recovering from that punch in slo mo:

This is kind of what a baby's face experiences in the birth canal

Anyway, I think it's already too late because the most pronounced changes have already happened. In the last 24 hours our daughter's face is looking less like the Swamp Thing & more like one of those perfect babies from an Anne Geddes portrait- minus the durian or other produce. 

I will send out a more proper collection of shots by the start of next week. I'll make sure the album is properly curated- which is code for saying I won't post more than 25 - 30 shots. My paternal love & third day of poor sleep puts me in danger of posting so much more. I gotta keep that impulse in check. Enjoy these in the mean time.

This is the sight I woke up to. So it all wasn't a dream!

This was taken a second time because Alice wanted at least one of us to smile. I still wasn't successful.

And to save the best for last... The one below. Alice must be in love with our daughter. I have never seen my wife this happy to be up at 6:15 in the morning- and we've had over 3,000 together!

I love this picture & what it means for my future.

Introducing our Baby Girl!

We've crossed the finish line! Alice and I are excited to introduce you all to Daphne Gray England- all 8 pounds and 12 ounces of her! Big baby alert! She was born at 2:04 pm PDT on 7/8/15- exactly eight years & 49 weeks since Alice and I first started dating.

Our daughter. 

Mom & baby are tired, happy & healthy. We have never felt more lucky & in love than we do today. This has been the most wonderful day of my life. 

Thank you to everyone for your warm thoughts & wonderful support. It means so much to our family.I will likely post a few more times this week. We truly have been overwhelmed with the texts, emails, comments and acts of generosity. I never would have expected this level of love sent our way.

Thank you for coming along for the ride. Our family is eternally grateful.

Alice, I love you.

Ha! Push it. Puh-Puh-Push It Reeeeal Good!

One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. Good.

That's pretty much the only thing I've been saying for the last hour.  Alice still has more pushing to go as she finishes this second stage of labor. Everything is looking great and the baby is lined up. Not sure when she'll arrive but chances are it's somewhere between the Arcade Fire & Miike Snow playlists. Might take some time thought. I ended up not playing my labor playlist because the only thing it has on it is Salt n' Pepa's 80's classic Push It played on repeat (link).

I can give one more piece of interesting news: she has a full head of hair!

Update to Our Timeline - Rest for another hour or two

Looks like we're delayed another hour or two. When we checked in yesterday Alice was approached about joining a research study on pain management in the second stage of labor. As part of that study she was randomly selected a little earlier to delay pushing until after a period of rest. This is where we're at now.

Hey Millennials, check this out. They still plot data on paper on this ENIAC Shuffle (w/o the track wheel). 

A key change in our plans happened this morning between 7:30 & 8:30 when the pain was consistent, intense and unbearable for her. She decided on the epidural at that point - possibly because she saw the tears in my eyes were fogging up my glasses and she didn't want her daughter to think her dad was a sobby, emotional mess (which he is!). Since she chose the epidural she then was given this delay. The doctors have let us know that Alice is expected to start pushing for the final stage between 11 am & 12 pm PDT. Check back then!

How should you pass the time until then? Did you know Alice [and I] starred in an rap video a few months ago? Click on this link. She shows up throughout but breaks out the Hammer dance at 2:16. Look at that second trimester twist! That's amazing! If we get another 9,999,800 views Al Roker promised me our friends and us can perform that live on the Today show. Help us get there!

The Second Trimester Twist

While we wait...

Looks like Alice just dipped in to a little snooze. While we wait I wanted to share the progression of the pregnancy up until this point. Those not on Facebook may be new to the above shot. It was done over 29 weeks of her term. I think the sequence really shows just how incredible and comprehensive a transition like this is for a new mom. You can download a higher (but not highest) resolution copy of this here: link

Entertain us!

Here's a final assignment for all y'all. I've set up an editable Google doc for any & all of you to add some last minute naming suggestions. We already have our choice but if any show up that we deem superior or more hilarious we might have to reconsider. :)

That document is here: link.

Quick Pic - 22 hours after arrival & maybe 60 minutes of sleep for Alice

More tired than a Goodyear plant. This feels completely surreal to me.

Update

Alice was at 9 cm half an hour ago. It's almost time to push. They've got the baby table set up now. Alice's tolerance for pain is far, far higher than mine will ever be.

My wife is amazing.

Update

This is going to be quick.

Alice was dialated at 7 cm an hour ago. Judging by the increasing intensity of her contractions our little girl is on her way. Won't be long now. We're in the home stretch!

Finding N.E.M.O

Key take-aways:

• Alice is now in active labor
• Her contractions are regular and the discomfort is higher but “still manageable”
• Dr. Michael Q. England’s non-medically binding forecast is still predicting a later morning delivery [7 am - 11 am PDT].

Alice and I tried to pass the time with one of the pre-loaded movies on the hospital network. She chose Finding Nemo because that forgetful Ellen Degeneres fish gets her every time. When the time got to me I promptly fell asleep soon after we started it. This may prove to be an all-too-honest metaphor for what lies in the weeks ahead. I told her that I wasn’t going to fall asleep if she wasn’t going to and then I promptly broke that promise while she was left behind to do all of the effort on her own. As I woke up periodically and half-heartedly offered to help it was obvious to me that even though the movie was paused at an early scene that Alice found NEMO alright – if N.E.M.O. stands for what feels like a Never Ending Maternal Ordeal.

Finding N.E.M.O.? Found it.

I woke up at 4:15 to learn that the doctors were about to hasten the process along with a little poke to break her water (link). Since that time her contraction intensity has increased and she is now considered to be in active labor. She was at 5 cm dilation before this  and they expect it to increase 1 cm per hour until she reaches that magic number of 10 – maybe 10.5 cm considering that my head is big for my body and that may carry over to our daughter (link).

Here we go!

• Phase 1: Check in & set up – DONE
• Phase 2a: Drug #1 Misoprostol - DONE
• Phase 2b: NEW - A Foley Balloon is inserted to hasten dilation – CANCELLED
• Phase 3: Drug #2 Pitocin – SKIPPED
• Phase 4a: Early Labor – Continued from midnight – 4 am PDT - DONE
• Phase 4b: Active Labor – Started ~4:30 am PDT
• Phase 5: Delivery - Projected for later this morning
• Phase 6: Back slaps, cheers & bewilderment